Saturday, October 23, 2004

Earth's Spin Distorts Space & Time
Scientific Breakthrough:

An international research team has found the first direct evidence that the Earth is dragging space and time around itself as it rotates, like a spoon spinning in honey. This swirling of space and time around a massive object was first suggested by German physicist Albert Einstein in his General Theory of Relativity.

Einstein stunned the scientific world in 1916 with his novel notions of space and time. One effect he calculated was that massive rotating bodies like planets distort space and time. He thought they pull space and time along with them as they spin. Physicist Michael Salamon of the U.S. space agency NASA elaborates on the analogy of the spoon in a honey jar.

"If you turn the spoon, you'll see that the honey gets twisted around with the spoon," he said. "The further you are away from the spoon, the less twisting there is of the honey. That's a similar process to what happens with space-time itself near the surface of the Earth. So as the Earth turns, it's actually twisting space-time around with it. Near the Earth, the twisting is greater."

Yeah that's cool, but I already saw this story three years from now...

October Surprise II
Here's another "imminent" October Surprise. Golly, think of all the ways we can be swayed at the last minute!

Friday, October 22, 2004

October Surprise
Here it is, the beginning of the end.

The Pentagon knows exactly where Osama bin Laden is hiding in Pakistan, it just can't get to him, John Lehman, a member of the 9-11 commission, said Thursday.

Lehman's remarks echoed those made Tuesday by Secretary of State Colin Powell, who asserted that the al-Qaida leader was alive and operating in the western part of Pakistan.

Bin Laden is living in South Waziristan in the Baluchistan Mountains of the Baluchistan region, Lehman told The San Bernardino Sun after delivering a keynote speech on terrorism at Pitzer College in Claremont.

In the exclusive interview, Lehman noted, "There is an American presence in the area, but we can't just send in troops. If we did, we could have another Vietnam, and the United States cannot afford that right now."

Yeah, we really can't afford another Vietnam. I mean after the War in Iraq, imagine if we had this one too...
Expect the announcement that we got Bin Laden to come within a week.

School District Cancels Halloween
A Seattle-area school district has cancelled Halloween this year. Reason? says children dressed up as goblins and witches take time away from learning, and because it wants to avoid offending believers in the Wiccan religion.

So this is either the meanest or most overly politically correct school district in the country. Probably both.

Rival Kid Polls
Nickelodeon and Scholastic have released contradictory polls about which candidate children would vote for if given the opportunity.

If kids could vote, Sen. John Kerry would be the next U.S. president, Nickelodeon network's Kids Vote indicates," UPI reports. Kerry received 57% to Bush's 43%.

Nickelodeon said it has held the Kids' Vote every election year since 1988, and its voters have correctly predicted the winner in the last four presidential campaigns.

Meanwhile, Scholastic announced the results of the 2004 Scholastic Election Poll and found that students in first through eighth grades prefer Bush, 52% to 47%.

Scholastic claims their poll "has accurately predicted the winner in every Presidential election since 1960.

Though this discrepancy may at first seem perplexing, it is worth noting that the Scholastic pollsters did not afford their subjects the opportunity to "slime" the candidate of their choice.

'The Body' Changes His Mind
Considering that some polls have Minnesota as the closest race, it's kind of interesting that Jesse Ventura, former MN governor, has announced he has changed his mind and now endorses John Kerry for president.

Things that shouldn't be illegal
Number one - throwing things at Ann Coulter:

Two men ran onstage and threw custard pies at conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she was giving a speech at the University of Arizona, hitting her in the shoulder, police said.

University police arrested the men but did not release their identities.

While some may think this attack was political, it's actually part of a global, non-partisan anti-douche bag campaign.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Mystery in Boston

A 21-year-old Emerson College student was reported in critical condition today after she was struck by a "bean-bag" bullet fired as hundreds of Boston police officers struggled to control unruly crowds in the Fenway Park area early this morning.

The student had been taken to Brigham and Women's Hospital after being injured on Lansdowne Street, where hundreds of fans had gathered to celebrate the Red Sox victory over the Yankees.

Boston police launched an immediate, intense investigation in an effort to determine how she was injured and whether the bullet had been fired by an officer.

"One factor that is being investigated is whether her injuries were sustained in any way during crowd control measures," said Suffolk District Attorney spokesman David Procopio. "That has not been confirmed or determined yet. The facts and circumstances of her injuries are the subject of an extremely active investigation at this point."

Yeah, I wonder who could have possibly fired that bean bag. It MIGHT have been one of the many police officers carrying the bean-bag firing guns, but hey, let's not jump to conclusions. And the other question: did this occur during the crowd control, where the police were holding these guns? Hmmm, I'm not sure.

If I was the only one holding a bean bag gun, and someone happened to take a bean bag to the head on the street, wouldn't it be a logical conclusion that I did it? I'd think so.

Tony Blair: at our beckoning?
More troops? No problem.

LONDON, England -- Britain has agreed to a U.S. request to redeploy about 850 troops to central Iraq, Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon told lawmakers.

Hoon said the elite Black Watch battalion and supporting units would relieve U.S. troops for a period of "weeks rather than months."

"The government has decided that we should accept the U.S. request for assistance," Hoon told the House of Commons on Thursday.

Most of my respect for Blair is gone. Any lingering thoughts that he might operate of his own accord, and be able to look at Iraq and say "Hey, maybe Bush's plan isn't exactly flawless" have been thrown out the window. Blair is Bush's leverage - the leader he can count on to charge ahead aimlessly when told to do so.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Master of Analysis: The Bush Story
Good Lord:

NEW YORK (CNN) -- The founder of the U.S. Christian Coalition said Tuesday he told President George W. Bush before the invasion of Iraq that he should prepare Americans for the likelihood of casualties, but the president told him, "We're not going to have any casualties."

Pat Robertson, an ardent Bush supporter, said he had that conversation with the president in Nashville, Tennessee, before the March 2003 invasion. He described Bush in the meeting as "the most self-assured man I've ever met in my life."

Based on the opinions of everyone I've ever talked to or heard speak, the only person in this country who wasn't worried about casualties going into the war was the person running it. Great.

Baseball Update
Depending on tomorrow's outcomes, we could be looking at a World Series featuring Massachussetts against Texas. A week before the election...

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Kerry Left Off Ballot
What do you do when you start losing ground in the single most pivotal swing state? Call up some of your buddies and get your opponent left off some of the ballots completely. Here is an absentee ballot sent out to voters in Hamilton County, Ohio.

NYT Endorses Kerry
Though it comes as no surprise, the New York Times has endorsed Kerry. Their endorsement is perhaps one of the best-worded reasonsing for voting for Kerry. Read it here.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Do Republicans have better sex?
ABC says so:

The poll analysis includes a breakdown by many subgroups, including region, age and even political party affiliation, which is the topic of results released today:

Of those involved in a committed relationship, who is very satisfied with their relationship?
Republicans — 87 percent; Democrats — 76 percent

Who is very satisfied with their sex life?
Republicans — 56 percent; Democrats — 47 percent

The poll analysis also reveals who has worn something sexy to enhance their sex life:
Republicans — 72 percent; Democrats — 62 percent

When asked whether they had ever faked an orgasm, more Democrats (33 percent) than Republicans (26 percent) said they had.

Allow me to explain this all using stereotypes:
Why are slightly more Republicans satisfied with their relationships? Why, this is because good conservative women are taught not to question their partner

Why are more Republicans satisfied sexually? Well, how much does it take to satisfy a Republican sexually to begin with?

Why have more Republicans worn something sexy? I don't know, but the idea of an old white woman in lingerie is enough to make me want to vomit.

Why have more Dems faked orgasms? Well this one is simple - most Republicans have no idea what an orgasm is.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Late to the punch
So, uh, it looks like we we al-Zarqawi's group on the terror list, and froze his assets. What a good idea! Surely no one could have thought of this a few months ago. It must've taken quite the brainstorm session to plan this one out.